An awkward night…

When I woke up at about 3pm, I saw Adam’s text (see There’s always a red flag…). He texted to say it was nice meeting me and we texted back and forth for a bit that day. The next day, he texted to ask if I was free later in the week for dinner. I agreed. I was excited, yet still unsure about him. I had a really good time, but I could tell he’s way more conservative than I am, that plus the whole living with the ex girlfriend thing was a huge red flag. Other than that though, I had a really good time and it was definitely an unforgettable night of adventures throughout the city.

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On the day we were supposed to meet for dinner, I was almost out of work and I still haven’t heard from him to confirm. I know he’s probably been out of the dating game a while, being that he’s recently single and all, but when a guy doesn’t confirm, I always have the urge to just cancel on them. I let it slide. I texted him around 4pm saying I was going to be working longer than expected and to tell him I would be running late. This would buy me a little extra time to get ready, which I needed, while also being a sly way to confirm that he still wants to get dinner. He responded saying that it was no problem and he’ll see me there.

That evening, I got there right on time, went to the bar of the restaurant and ordered a drink. The bartender took my card and assumed I was opening a tab, which was fine, but you’d think she would ask me before just holding onto my card. I was there a good 5-10 minutes before he finally arrived. He apologized when he got there and then sat next to me at the bar. The bartender came by and asked if he wanted a drink. He mentioned that we were there for dinner, she asked if we wanted to stay at the bar and order or get a table. He said the bar was fine. OK… so he set it up for awkwardness right from the start. Not confirming. Running late. Agreeing to stay at the bar. I know he’s been out of the dating game, but dude, all of that is adding up to make me really annoyed.

He started out with small talk. Nothing too exciting. We chatted, he told me about his EMT training, I told him about work, we drank, hardly looked at the menu. The bartender checked on us a few times before we finally got around to figuring out what we wanted to order. We continued to small talk. Still nothing too exciting. He’s very dry and kind of monotone. I think the newness of him has already worn off and was only made more interesting a few nights earlier because of the amount of alcohol we had consumed.

When the food arrived, we ate, talked, ate. We were there a good three hours before we realized the time and asked for our check. And that is when I remembered the bartender already had my credit card. Adam asked for the check and she had said, “Oh, do you not want it all on your tab?” Adam looked confused, then I explained and then we agreed to split it. She seemed a bit annoyed, but it was kind of her fault for assuming in the first place that everything was going on my card and for even starting a tab without actually asking.

We left the bar. I was tired and tempted to call it a night, but then he asked if I was still up to hang out, I agreed. I was holding onto hope that I would regain that spark from a few nights earlier. We walked. He had no plan of where to walk, we just walked. It was a neighborhood he grew up in, so he told me some childhood stories which were sweet to hear. Once we walked without further plans for about 20 minutes, I told him to turn left. He didn’t know it at the time, but I was leading him to my place.

On our walk, we walked right past a sex toy store. He made a point to say something about how his friend and his friend’s wife are very open about their sex life. I told him I am too and I think that sex is a very natural and healthy thing. He kind of shut up about it. I don’t know if this was a turn on or turn off for him at that point. I think he wasn’t expecting that, plus he seems very reserved and a bit prude from what I can tell thus far.

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As we got closer, I told him I lived a few more blocks down. He called me out, “Is this just a sneaky way to get me to walk you home so you can end the night?”

Although that wasn’t the case, I was tempted to say yes, but then told him, “No, that’s not what I was doing. You obviously didn’t have a plan of where or what to do, so this is my way to be sneaky to get you to come to my roof and have another drink with me.”

He laughed and told me that was smooth of me. We went upstairs. I gave him a tour of the place. We went to the bar, I poured us each a whiskey ginger ale and then we headed to the bar. We looked at the view and chatted briefly. He made his move. We started to make out and within minutes, two of my roommates opened the roof door and walked in on us. I pulled away and laughed, then introduced Adam to my roommates. We all hung out for a bit while they smoked their cigarettes. Once they were done, they went back downstairs and Adam and I went right back into making out.

At this point, things got hot. He started to work his hand all on my body and up to grab my breasts. As he felt me up, he started to kiss down my neck and eventually kissed down to suck on my nipples. I was so worked up at this point, yet still exhausted, yet still unsure and leaning towards a no with him. We continued to feel each other’s bodies and kiss until my roommates came up for yet another cigarette break, but this time, they walked to the other side of the roof away from us.

We stopped making out. I realized the time and said I should probably get going to bed soon. He said he would leave whenever I wanted him out. I looked at the clock, it was about 11:30, I told him midnight would be fine. My roommates didn’t seem to be leaving this time, so Adam and I just kind of hung out awkwardly for a bit longer before I caved and asked if he wanted to go to my room.

He agreed. I then gave him a caveat and said there will be no sex and he’s still leaving at midnight. He laughed and still agreed. We went downstairs and went to my room. We got back to making out. I got on top and straddled him. As we were making out, he started to rub my back, which felt amazing, so I told him to keep doing that. What was a make out session, quickly turned into a soothing back massage and cuddle session which I ended up falling asleep on him as he rubbed my back.

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I woke up around 12:20 and realized what had happened. I saw the time and said I should probably get ready for bed. He put his shoes on and made his way out the door, on his way out, he said we should hang out again soon. I agreed, but wasn’t really that interested anymore. I would have hung out with him again if he tried, but he never did.

This was a month ago. And we went the entire month without talking, that is, until this past Wednesday he invited me to a party for Friday. I told him maybe I could show up later, but I had another party to go to. I ended up not being able to go, but told him we should catch up soon. The ball is in his court. I’m not really going to push hanging out again, but if he hits me up, I probably wouldn’t turn him down.

We’ll see if this goes anywhere… Sometimes you should leave it at one night of romance, this is probably one of those times.

Yours Truly,
Kallie Pygus

 

There’s always a red flag…

July 23rd, it was my friend Jackie’s birthday party. A small group of eight met up before a night of drinking to get dinner. I was a bit out of the circle of people, I recognized some of the people from previous events, but didn’t really know any of them. One guy in particular that I thought I knew, but obviously didn’t was Adam.

At some point in the dinner, I asked Adam, “Weren’t you that guy from two New Year’s Eves ago?”

He was absolutely confused, “No, I wasn’t in Chicago then.”

Jackie butted in, “Who are you thinking of? Was it…” She then started to ramble to list off friends of hers it could have been.

I explained, “Good, glad you aren’t him. He kept staring at my tits the entire night and was a total prick.”

Adam laughed, “Thank god I’m not him then.” He smiled at me, I smiled back. At least I didn’t make a complete fool of myself quite yet. Adam is cute, brown eyes, dark hair, clean-cut, nice build. He is former military and conservative, not quite my type, but I was already captivated by this flirtation we have started. It was still early in the night, so we did some coy looks across the dinner table.

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After dinner, we all made our way downtown to the bar. When we arrived, we were joined by several other people. We took over a pretty large section of the Chicago Athletic Association’s game room. Adam sat and ordered a drink, I went off to the restroom. When I got back, the only seating was the opposite side of the section we took over. I sat down, but it wasn’t long until Adam and I started making flirtatious eye contact.

Once the first round of drinks were consumed, everyone was ready for some games. Several of the people went straight for pool, and a group of us made our way to bocce ball. A game of four on four, girls versus boys. Lo and behold, Adam and I both were playing bocce ball. In between turns, Adam made an effort to talk and flirt with me.

As the night progressed, more and more people joined. Adam tried to get me on my own, he insisted we should order another round of drinks at the bar and check out the other side of the game room to get away. When we got to the bar and ordered our drinks, another friend of mine followed and was trying to catch up with me. I gave her a look like, “Dude, I’m occupied right now.” She quickly caught on and walked away.

We then grabbed our drinks and found somewhere quiet to chat. He was sweet. A bit reserved and quiet, had a cadence you would expect to hear out of an old movie, but this only lured me in more. Not more than 30 minutes later, a friend of mine interrupted to tell me she and a group were headed to Chinatown. While I went and said my goodbyes, Adam got pulled off to play shuffleboard with Jackie and some others.

I drank and watched from the sidelines, Adam and I kept making eyes, so I wasn’t really paying much attention to the game. As the game wrapped up, the birthday girl and the few others that were left took over foosball, Adam and I found a chess board to play. We chatted and played and flirted and I totally kicked his ass. As our game came to an end, Adam’s friend came up and summoned us to the bar to take shots with everyone.

One shot down. “Cheers to Jackie!” Another round was poured, without hesitation, we were all grabbing our second shots. “Happy birthday!” Two shots and four or five drinks in, I was definitely starting to feel it. It was about 1:30am, Jackie was still going strong, so she said we should go to Mindy’s, another Chicago Athletic Association bar on the top floor. We made our way up, everyone ordered drinks and sat at the bar, and I grabbed a water and sat on a couch by the window to chill for a bit.

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I sat there watching the lighting in the distance flicker beyond Millennium Park. Not long into my reminiscing, Adam joined me. We sat in silence for a minute. It was nice. To break the silence, he asked, “How would you feel about walking along the lake once we leave?” I was exhausted and a bit tipsy, but I didn’t want the night with Adam to end quite yet, so I agreed.

An hour or so later, they announced last call. I was ready to leave to walk with Adam, but had to wait to make sure Jackie was ok. She was pretty hammered and was flirting with the bartender. He asked for her number, she gave it and lingered. I had to pull her away, the bartender smiled at Jackie as we left.

We headed out, Adam and I walked together a little behind as the other three remaining souls were a few feet ahead.  His friend was on a mission to get us all to the next bar or somewhere we could keep drinking. Adam looked at me and said, “Let’s ditch them.” I agreed. At the next crosswalk, the three ahead of us walked straight and we bolted right and crossed the street to cut through Millennium Park.

As we approached the park entrance, we were quickly stopped by the guard, “The park closes at 11pm.” We turned and walked along side the park towards the lake instead. We walked up Randolph, I knew all along we were going the wrong way to the lake, but I let Adam lead. He eventually realized we were on an upper level street. There was no way to the lake, at least an easy route from where we were at. He asked, “How adventurous are you?” I laughed, although I was in a dress and flats, I am still always up for an adventure. We hopped a few fences, and found our way to Lower Wacker, then to the river walk. Finally, a clear route to the lake.

We walked and talked and laughed and flirted. He’s very well mannered while I have a sailor’s mouth, a weird mix to say the least. I called him out and said to loosen up, he said it just takes getting to know him before he fully unleashes reveals that he is just as vulgar as me. I don’t know if I fully believe this.

The river walk merged into the pier and docks just East of Randolph. We walked along the pier and found our way to the end, the last dock was several police patrol boats, then there was a cement barrier separating the docks and the lake. We faced more fences. Adam asked, “Are you still feeling adventurous?”

“Bring it on.” I replied. He swung his leg around the fence, lifted himself above the water, and reached his leg to the cement ledge. I followed, but being shorter, plus in a dress, this fence proved to be a little more difficult than the ones from earlier. I quickly realized the way my dress was stretching over the side of the fence, it was making it difficult for me to spread my legs far enough to reach to the cement barrier. Adam saw my struggle, and reached his hand out to pull me over.

We continued our journey along the cement barrier. As we walked further and further, suddenly swarms of seagulls flew up above us cawing. It was actually quite beautiful, hundreds of white birds flying overhead alongside skyscrapers on one side, the lake on the other. We approached the end of the barrier and leaned against the wall. Adam created a story about a military man and the lighthouse in the distance. His voice was soothing and somehow blocked out the noise of the seagulls.

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As his story came to an end, he looked me in the eye, I smiled. He smiled back. My heart started to race a little, he leaned in and kissed me. We locked lips, his hands on my waste, my arms wrapped around his neck. A perfect romantic moment you’d expect to see in the movies. We continued to make out for several minutes. He pulled back, smiled at me, and I smiled back. We were quiet, but it was a comfortable silence.

“Do you want to go to the beach?” he asked to break the silence.

I agreed, but then I added, “First, I need to pee.”

He laughed and led the way back to the pier, helping me back around the fence. We walked back to the start of the pier and luckily there were bathrooms that were somehow still open at 4:30am. I went in to pee, he stayed out and waited. When I came out, he asked if I wanted something to drink. I laughed, “Sure?” confused as to where he would get us drinks. Turns out not only were the bathrooms left unlocked, the patio by the bathroom, although gated off, wasn’t too hard to squeeze past the gate and get to the fridges which were also unlocked.

He grabbed us each a sprite, then we found our way to the nearest street to call an Uber. He pulled me in and held me and kissed me and we waited for our ride to the beach. We got in the car, headed north, and were dropped off near the beach entrance. The entrance was blocked off, another place that closes at 11pm. We started walking down Montrose away from the beach, and he said, “Well that was kind of a fail; where would you like to go.”

He had told me earlier that he lived near Montrose Beach, so I said, “We could go to your place.”

Adam hesitated, then revealed, “I would say yes, but I actually still live with my ex girlfriend. We’ve been broken up for two months, I’m the one on the lease, she’s refused to move out, and I wasn’t putting up a fight. My lease ends at the end of the month, so I’m moving out next week.” Red flag… but there’s always some of those.

Not really sure if I should end the night, but still kind of tempted to keep going, I brushed if off and said “That’s gotta  be tough.” I paused, “Well, we can still go back to the beach, just not use the main entrance.”

We walked back, but headed south away from the entrance and cut through the trees and grass. As we scurried through, Adam grabbed my hand as to guide me through faster. As we exited the tree covered area, we slowed down the pace and continued to hold hands as we walked. We ended up on a hill. At the top, Adam pulled me in yet again. He’s very affectionate, which I usually like, but I felt a little off with all of this. He seems way to proper for my taste, but it was still very sweet so I went along.

After a prolonged embrace on the hill, I pulled away and started to head towards the beach. He followed. When we got to the beach, we sat on the ledge just before the sand. He put his arm around me, I leaned up against him, putting my head on his shoulder, watching the waves flow in and out before us. We chatted some, but the night had us both exhausted so we mostly sat in silence, taking in the view in front of us. An hour passed and we watched the sun rise.

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As daylight got brighter, I was quickly reminded of what time it was. I told him I should probably go home. We walked back towards Montrose, I called an Uber home. He waited with me and held me and kissed me some more. I was torn. At this point I was a little turned off by the fact that he lives with his ex still, but I enchanted by his affection. It seems like even the most well mannered boys still have at least one red flag, and this was a big one. My Uber pulled up, we said our goodbyes, and I headed home. As soon as I got home, I went straight to my bed and passed out until 3pm.

I woke up to a text from Adam. Now what to do with it?

Yours Truly,
Kallie Pygus

Suburbia, just go home

Suburbia… I should have known you wouldn’t be as good as I had you painted in my head. It was too good to be true, and that is how online dating seems to go. I had Phone Date Jitters when Suburbia insisted he called earlier in July, but it went seemingly well, too well. The phone conversation went for four hours, then we even had another phone conversation that lasted about two hours the day before we finally met in person. He was sweet and easy to hold a conversation with, there were a few minor red flags, but nothing that would have been make or break for me.

He lives in the suburbs at home with his dad and grandma. That should have been red flag enough, but you live and learn I guess. The next day, he took the train into the city and I picked him up. As I pulled up and saw him, first thought, he is way too skinny and short. Like maybe 5’7″. I’m trying to not be that shallow, but for me, while I’m not looking for a relationship, the guys I’m casually seeing/sleeping with better fit my shallow desires.

It was too late to drive off. I’m not cruel. I wasn’t going to stand him up on first glance when he took the train all this way. He got in and we awkwardly introduced ourselves. He brought me brownies because during our phone conversation, I joked with him that he’d get extra brownie points if brownies were actually involved. It was a sweet gesture, but I pretty much already made up my mind.

We went to the Garfield Park Conservatory, walked around and talked a bit. It was nice, but I wasn’t really interested. Everything he said I couldn’t relate to. He has terrible taste in music, he showed me his tattoos, both amature and the ideas he had didn’t sound too great either. He then asked how much longer I plan on living in the city for and said that he’s looking for his “fairytale ending; a wife, kids, nice house in the suburbs. You know, the whole white picket fence dream.” Those were literally the words that came out of his mouth. That was the last straw for me, but I felt trapped. He came all the way to the city and I was his ride back to the train.

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We continued to hang out. He was sweet, and so eager to please me and kept insisting that he didn’t need to catch a train until 11:40pm, it was difficult to tell him that he should catch the next train home, so I was stuck with him for the next few hours.

The evening dragged. We ran out of things to talk about. He still kept insisting that he didn’t need to go home yet. He even tried to kiss me, but I was so not into it. I did a quick giggle and turn as to let him kiss my cheek. I think he saw it as endearing, he didn’t get that I wasn’t interested. He then kept setting shit up and telling me I should come to the suburbs and I hardly had room to talk. I felt suffocated. I didn’t have the heart to shut him up and tell him then that I wasn’t interested, but I also felt bulldozed into a fantasy relationship he had painted of us in his head.

I was so bored and exhausted, he finally realized or at least noticed I was tired, and said he could catch the 10:40 instead of the 11:40. Thank fucking god. I drove him to the train station as fast as I could and called it a night.

The next day he texted to tell me that he was excited to see me again and can’t wait till our next date. I had to let him down easy right then and there. I don’t like to ghost, so I told him that it’s obvious that we aren’t compatible. He wants a fairy tale ending with a white picket fence, while I want to be free and travel and fuck whoever I want. When I texted him this he called and told me he didn’t understand. He thought that everything was going well and he didn’t see this coming and that he thought this time would be different.

Is that bad that I continued to hang out with him out of pity? Should I have driven off and just ditched him outside the train station? Or told him earlier in the evening when he first so eagerly told me he had till the 11:40 train? There never really is a right time to let someone down when they are that into you. Sometimes you just gotta rip the band-aid off and let them know how it is.

Yours Truly,
Kallie Pygus

Tinder Douche #2

Tinder Douche texted me the very next day to inform me how he couldn’t wait to nap. I wore him out. I threw it in his face that I slept till 1pm. There was some back and forth flirty banter, but he obviously was more interested in me than I was him. If it was up to me, I would have never seen him again. The sex was pretty good, but him as a person was forgettable, but alas, I was bored and the sex was good enough to keep him around if he’s hitting me up. We texted back and forth for the next two days and he finally caved. He needed me.

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It was obviously a booty call. It was nearly 1am. He has been drinking and in the suburbs dying of boredom. He was trying to tell me he needs an excuse to leave. I told him he could make some shit up and just leave, he’s an adult, he can do whatever he wants. He was then trying to tell me that he wants the excuse to be me, he really wanted to see me right at that moment. He begged and said he would pick me up and drive me home, and begged some more until I said yes. At the moment, it was cute. Looking back, it was pathetic.

On his drive back to the city, there was a car accident. To show me that he wasn’t lying or some shit like that, he decided to facetime me while he was driving. What a dumbass!? Either way, he showed me that the cars were up in flames and he was stuck in traffic because of it. I wasn’t too concerned, he would get there whenever he got there.

At about 2:15am, he picked me up. I don’t know why I agreed to let him pick me up. I should have just drove myself and met him at his place. But that is how life goes, you make decisions and shit happens. As we pulled up to his apartment, he bitched about the lack of parking. All I could think is how he lives in Chicago, and even the cherry to top it, he lives in Lakeview, of course parking is tough to find. Stop your bitching and get over it.

He parked his car about three blocks down from his apartment and on our walk, he wouldn’t stop his complaining about the parking situation. Oh my god, I wanted to shoot myself. This little prick is so fucking annoying and somehow I decided to hang out with him again. On the outside, I faked it. I faked it so hard and put a smile on and said “Sorry, this does suck,” to get him to shut up about the parking. On the inside, I was cussing him out, telling him to get the fuck over it because this is how shit is in the city, sorry if you just moved here a few weeks earlier. Boo fucking hoo that you can’t find parking right in front of your apartment.

We got to his place, he went straight to the kitchen and told me to have a seat in the living room and he was grabbing water. I assumed he would get me a glass too because he asked if I was thirsty and I said yes, but he walked in with just one glass which he was hogging. OK? So I spoke up and grabbed the glass from him and drank the water I had asked for in the first place.

He turned on ESPN… Once again, I was annoyed. I spoke up again and told him I didn’t agree to come over so he could catch up on the sports highlights while I just sit there. He apologized for being inconsiderate, then he surprised me by bringing up art. At first I thought he was being genuine and actually interested when he asked about my opinion about some art that was up for auction at Sotheby’s, but I quickly realized he is a complete imbecile. He was trying to argue with me about how a child could paint the paintings that were up for auction and he couldn’t understand what was so significant about the work even when I schooled him with some art history. His only response once I shut him down was, “Well, that’s not my problem.” Which made absolutely no sense.

I should have left then, but I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder why I make myself suffer. Once the art argument dissipated, we went to his bedroom. He quickly went in to kiss me and the night quickly escalated. All this pent up anger and aggravation I had towards him made the sex more aggressive and hot. He pulled my hair and kissed my neck and stripped me naked and bit my nipples and played with my clitoral hood ring. He was in control and very dominant, a huge turn on despite the overall tone of the night so far.

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He then stripped himself down naked, I quickly noticed he had shave since I saw him last. Not only did he shave his dick bald, he shaved his entire chest. Huge turn off, but I was letting it slide because he quickly plunged his face between my thighs and took his mouth to my clit. And this is where he lost me even more. He had no clue what he was doing with his mouth. I literally had to tell him not to bite my piercing. How can he be so good with his fingers and suck with his mouth? On top of it, once I got him to chill with the chomping on my vulva, he got to a decent licking, but nothing spectacular, he didn’t use his fingers at all. I told him to add his fingers and he seemed confused, like how could someone finger and eat pussy at the same time?

Once I got him to add his fingers, things seemed to be kind of better, but hardly comparable to what my expectations were for him based on his other skills. Maybe five minutes has gone by, and that might be exaggerating, before he gave up. He came up and gave me a “suck my dick because I just ate your pussy look.” I looked at him and told him his job wasn’t done. He then told me, “You’re lucky I just ate you that long, I rarely eat pussy.”

No fucking shit. Of course he doesn’t eat pussy. That explains a lot, and now you’re expecting me to suck your dick? I told him to get back down there if he expects me to suck his dick. He then asked if we could 69 instead. I reluctantly agreed. He was doing somewhat better, but he also kept getting sidetracked by what I was doing and kept trying to push his head aside so he can watch me blow him. I was getting no where and I wasn’t about to let him get off without hardly doing shit for me, so I stopped, rolled over, and told him to grab a condom.

He bitched about that too, telling me he was so close to cumming. I told him he’s lucky I’m still even there, then he stopped his complaining and grabbed a condom. Once again, he fucked me hard. Pulled my hair. Spanked my ass. Pinned me down. Pinched and bit my nipples. Played with my clit. It was hot. I was close. I flipped us over, told him to sit on the edge of the bed, facing away from him, I placed my hands on his knees, and sat on his cock, sliding him into my vagina. I pulled his fingers to my clit, and his other hand up to my nipples to pinch them as I rode him hard. I came. He came. We both came.

I got up, and laid down on his bed as he took off the condom and cleaned up. He then laid next to me and said he was getting tired. I looked at him, and said “Ok? So give me a ride home.” He then said “Not my problem, sounds like a you problem. Catch an Uber home or something.” I cussed him out and told him if he wasn’t giving me a ride home, I could have driven myself. Not that it was that far of an Uber ride or anything, but the ass really had some nerve.

He then proceeded to tell me to leave. I got dressed, went to the bathroom, and when I got out, he was introducing me to his roommate. His roommate looked me up and down and asked Tinder Douche, “So this is the hot bartender you told me about?” as if I wasn’t even there. Tinder Douche continued this side conversation with his roommate right in front of me and told him, “Yea, she’s pretty good in bed… too bad she wouldn’t finish blowing me.”

I then told him off right in front of his roommate, “First of all, you fucking suck at eating pussy. Secondly, grow your fucking body hair. Trim it, don’t fucking shave it. You look like a prepubescent boy and your entire body felt like sandpaper rubbing against me. Thirdly…” This rant of mine continued for a good minute or two.

His response, “Not my problem, sounds like a you problem.”

I didn’t say anything after that. I grabbed my purse and walked out and called a Lyft. A couple minutes later, as I stood there waiting for my ride, Tinder Douche walked out to apologize. He tried to comfort me and tried to kiss me. I was beyond my limits, and pushed him away and called him a fucking asshole. He then kept trying to say he was just fucking with me because he knows I can talk shit and hold my own. I ignored him. He kept talking at me and luckily this only lasted a minute because my Lyft driver pulled up. I walked towards the car, he grabbed my hand, I looked back angrily and pulled my hand away.

As soon as I was in the Lyft, I was relieved to be on my way home. That was a night from hell, and I was glad to be done with Tinder Douche. Not long after I left, he texted:

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He didn’t respond to that text. His next text to me was an emoji crying and a gun, which I thought was him saying he was committing suicide as a dark response to me chewing him out, but I guess he was trying to say he was tired? Either way, I told him he could crash and burn like the cars he saw on the way to picking me up. Dark? Yes. Sorry. But Tinder Douche is dead to me.

Yours Truly,
Kallie Pygus

 

 

Tinder Douche

As I told you already, I redownloaded Tinder again briefly Thursday, July 7. It was about 9:30pm. Well within a half hour, I had a dozen matches, and several messages. One guy in particular held pretty good conversation, at least played along with my banter. I tend to dissect what people say and twist their words in a playful manner to start a flirtatious argument.

For the sake of this blog, he doesn’t need a name. He was a blip in my sexual life, so this guy will only be known as Tinder Douche. Well Tinder Douche started out fun and light via messaging. At one point, he said he’s not looking to date, so I jokingly told him, “I completely understand, I’m on here for strictly platonic friends too.” He was terrible on his defense, and said “No, I’m just not looking to date, but I also don’t want a one night stand.” So basically, he was passive aggressively trying to see if I would be down for a casual sex/fuck buddy type thing. I responded with, “Are you sure you aren’t telling me you aren’t looking for a one night stand so I let my guard down and fuck you the first time we meet? I’ve got my eye on you.”

I thought it was funny how hard he tried to say he wasn’t looking for a one night stand, but he also wouldn’t admit to wanting a fuck buddy, but also said he didn’t want to date. He was getting so worked up every time I twisted what he said. He eventually ended it with, “I like your style. You can really talk some shit.” Our flirtatious messaging went on until about 11:15pm when he messaged saying “Instead of messaging for the entire hour, we could have met up.” I shot it back at him, “Well isn’t it past your bedtime?” He quickly responded to tell me he could stay up till 3am tonight. I agreed to meet up with him for drinks at a bar near me. I told him to text when he got close.

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He texted when he was parking. I walked down and saw him by his car. We went into the bar, he ordered a beer and I got my usual, Jameson Mule. He seemed nice, a little bit bro-y, but not too much to send me running out the door. Aside from being nice with a dash of bro, nothing really stood out to me. We were at the bar for a little over an hour when they started last call.

Tinder Douche said he still had two hours before he needed to go to bed, so he’s open to going somewhere else. Being that I lived a few buildings over, I offered my place because I have a bar and rooftop. He declined because he didn’t want any chance of my roommates being around. He then offered his place and promised he would give me a ride home at 3am. I agreed and we drove to his.

We went to his kitchen, he poured us each a drink and we continued to talk. I noticed right away that his kitchen wasn’t your typical 24-year-old boys’ kitchen. It was pretty clean. The entire apartment was clean. He also told me how he knows how to cook. I was impressed.

Although he wasn’t my type romantically (he’s a bit too white suburban bro), he was still cute, nice, and had some redeeming qualities. At the moment, I was intrigued. I could see him being a good lay, but I’m unsure of how far I would take it or how long he’d be in the picture because he definitely isn’t my type.

After we both finished our drinks, he suggested that we could watch a movie or something in his room. I laughed, no one really watches a movie when they’re hanging out with a guy from Tinder. They don’t call it Netflix and chill because people actually watch movies. I was hesitant, but intrigued enough, so I agreed.

We went to his room and sat on his bed. He started scrolling through the TV guide and found a movie on HBO. We sat back, talked briefly, but he went quickly in to kiss me. His kisses were surprisingly full for a guy with thin lips, but being that his lips weren’t the fullest and his facial hair was well past a 5 o’clock shadow, it was nearly like having sandpaper rubbing against my face. Not fun. I pulled back and told him to be careful, he got the picture and kissed me lighter.

As things picked up, it got a bit more hot and heavy. He kissed down my neck and unzipped my jeans, pulling them off as he continued to kiss me. He then lifted my shirt off and unclipped my bra. He was pretty slick with his maneuvers, I’ll give him that. He reached down with his hand, and massaged my clit. I was in clit tease heaven at this point. Not many guys can get the right pressure on my clit that quick, but he managed to do so.

Prior to this, there had been no discussion of our kinks or desires. He either had the exact same sex style as me, or he knew exactly how to read my body as I reacted to whatever he was doing. He nailed the pressure on my clit. Then he went in to my nipples, started gently  rubbing them with his fingers, then built up the pressure into some squeezing and pinching, then went in and bit my nipples. I never told him I like my nipples bit, but he figured it out anyways. It was hot.

Soon enough, his magic on my clit and nipples had me worked up. He had me soaking wet. He knew I couldn’t resist at this point, he looked at me wanting me to want him. I paused, I was so turned on at this point, so fuck it. I told him to grab a condom and we fucked hard. I wasn’t expecting him to pull my hair the way I liked it, or to pin me down and restrain me, or to rub my clit or bite my nipples the way he did as we fucked…. but he did it pretty damn well. Some guys just fuck me the way I want it; he surprised me, nothing stood out earlier in the night, but he sure can fuck.

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He came. I didn’t. He got me so close to cumming, but alas, something about the first time rarely gets me there. I have a wall up that has to be penetrated before I trust a guy to show him how vulnerable I can be and unleash my orgasm. As we laid there naked for a few minutes, I saw the time. 3:20am. I told him it was past his bedtime and he should give me a ride home.

Once he dropped me off, I walked up my four flights of stairs, got ready for bed, and passed the fuck out. He was fun, if only I kept it at just one night, he might have not gotten the name Tinder Douche.

Yours Truly,
Kallie Pygus

Threesome? A tale of two dicks…

So during my brief time on OKC, I met a dude (Dick #1) that was super hot and I was totally down for something casual, so I gave him my number. Once we got texting, he proceeded to ask about my sex history, and then asked if I have ever had a threesome. I haven’t, and it is something I really am interested in, so I told him I would be open to it. He quickly jumped in saying that we should have a threesome eventually. Eventually is the key word.

Well that eventually, to me, insinuated that we would meet first, probably fuck, and then discuss a threesome at a later date. No. At least that’s not what that meant to him. He texted his friend and told him about me. I went along with it because frankly, both guys were cute, so why not?

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Dick #1 gave Dick #2 my phone number… Wtf dude?

Dick #1 gave Dick #2 my number without my permission. I still continued to text both of them, but to my understanding still, I was going to meet Dick #1 first before meeting Dick #2. So over a few days, both of them texted me, and I was honest with both of them and answered every question they asked. I enjoy talking about sex and have nothing to hide.

Well Dick #2 kept asking questions like “What is the wildest thing you’ve done?” I told him about when I met Tampa Boy (Red Flags Equal Fun) and he even asked for the full story. I didn’t have time to really text out the dirty details, so I sent him a link to my blog. At this point, I really didn’t care if they were aware of my blog, they’re both down to fuck and have a threesome, I’m sure the blog wouldn’t phase them. At least that’s what I thought…

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Dick #2 got upset that I wanted to meet Dick #1 first. Boo fucking hoo.

We texted all weekend, and then today Dick #2 asked to arrange a time to meet me. I was honest, and told him I had to meet Dick #1 first because he is who I chose to meet from OKC, and Dick #2 is just a third in the mix. Dick #2 got pissed, but at this point, he should have just been ok with it, after all, I haven’t met Dick #1 yet.

As soon as Dick #2 got pissed, Dick #1 texted me to tell me I’m pathetic because they are basically attached at the hip or something. You can read the whole conversation below…

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Dick #1 called me pathetic. Priceless. Really, I couldn’t stop laughing.

Now I’ve come to three different conclusions:

  1. Dick #1 was really just trying to get Dick #2 laid and neither really wanted to have a threesome.
  2. Dick #2 has two phone numbers, set up a fake OKC account for Dick #1 with some hot ass photos to lure chicks in and then was texting as Dick #1 to get himself laid.
  3. Dicks #1 and #2 both got too into my blog and saw my post (Incredulous OKCupid Douche) from yesterday, now they think I’m “flakey” so they both decided to pull out of the threesome.

Either way, lesson, don’t agree to a threesome with someone you haven’t met in person yet. Also, I should really stop sharing my blog with guys I plan on fucking. Lastly, there’s some fucked up people out there, you might be getting catfished, be careful ladies.

Yours Truly,
Kallie Pygus

P.S. I’m sorry to those who come to read about my real life encounters, these douchebags from OKC needed a story of their own apparently. I promise, there are several encounters in the works that I’m writing from the past couple weeks, I just need to finish them and edit.

Incredulous OKCupid Douche

I recently reopened my OKC account… it has already been deleted because of the surplus of guys who open with “DTF” and “I have a 5 inch penis” (yes, someone opened by telling me they have a 5 inch dick). This one guy in particular though, we’ll call him Incredulous OKC Douche, was on the edge of meeting me and he fucked up.

I am all for casual sex. I enjoy it. Once he got my number, he started texting obsessively trying to meet up with me and about how he loves watching a sexy white chick suck his dick and how he likes calling women “nasty bitch.” Some chicks like that, personally I don’t. As soon as he told me that, I stopped him and said it’s obvious that our sex styles are different so it probably wouldn’t work. He then told me I’m flakey and that I am all talk.

I couldn’t help but laugh. He is trying to neg me into fucking him by calling me flakey, that shit doesn’t work with me. I know what I want and what I like; he just doesn’t have it. Because he kept trying to push that I was all talk and no play, I sent him a link to my blog and told him to read for himself. I never do that, but he kept insisting that he knew I was fake. The incredulous douche still doesn’t believe me, so I’m posting this blog. So this post is dedicated to you, Mike NYC. Do you still think I’m fake? The proof is in the pudding, too bad you’ll never get mine.

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Some details from our texting last night and today.

For dude’s out there, have class. Yes, you want to get fucked. Maybe the “DTF” and “Suck my dick” lines work for some chicks, but if you tried to be a bit more subtle and throw in some playful banter, a chick might respond better. You catch more flies with honey not vinegar. Have some fucking respect when you’re talking to a woman.

Oh you poor tactless boy, didn’t your mommy ever tell you if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?

Yours Truly,
Kallie Pygus